Had been trying to avoid. Avoiding distressed feeling that i might encounter when I see him, a man who become haggard and tiny after cycles per cycles of chemotherapy, a man who I love the most in this world, my papa...
When staying in KL for continuing my last year of college life, talking over the phone was the most common way to know papa recent condition. Most of the time my mom would be the one picking up calls, and talked all the way down to boiling of herbal tea and bringing umbrella, coz doctors advised cancer patient to stay away from devices with strong radioactive transmission whenever possible, like holding up cell phone near the ear over long period. So sometimes I could just hear his voice of saying goodbye far away. When his voice is energetic, I was simply thrilled, assuming he is free from pain. However, when his voice is weak, I become worried and sometimes negative thoughts just hooked on, making a silent me for days. Emotionally silent enough to make my friends hate me, I think.
That's why gradually I am afraid of going back hometown, afraid of seeing him in pain but I just couldn't help any thing. Being someone closest to him but capable of doing nothing.. I hate the feeling.. and hate myself. However, after finishing my last semester in college, I was back in home for almost week. He was getting better, but sometimes would get sick and weak. BUT the most important thing is that i found that facing the situation is not that hard, compare to avoiding or thinking some negatives by myself.
I pray everyday now. All my prayers, hoping for GOD's gracious bless to keep my dad free from pain every now and then, hoping him to be get healthier, happy and stronger, hoping that my new job can relieve him and my sis from finacial worries, and hoping that I can realise his dream one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment